When My Aloneness Brought Healing

"You're not just alone. You're alone alone." I heard this on a TV show concerning middle-aged, newly divorced women. It would be years later when it really sunk in. I was already in the empty-nester season when my youngest graduated from college. After much prayer, I decided to move out of my home state to the beautiful state of TN. I pursued full-time writing and teaching as an adjunct professor. I loved my new place, job, and friends. I felt an incredible sense of newness and purpose.

Being the oldest of six kids, marrying a month after college graduation, and being mom of five kids--I rarely had true alone time. Yet, I hadn't expected to feel the aloneness as I did. It hit me during a rare snowstorm that shut the city down for over a week. After awhile, I began to long for in-person connection and teased the thought of asking a neighbor for a cup of sugar even though I didn't need it. Honestly, being alone alone wasn't miserable--it was just different.

Being alone alone meant my phone was not buzzing with calls and messages. It meant always showing up by myself for church and other events. It meant that no one would greet me at the door even though I would sometimes walk in my apartment and say out loud, "Honey, I'm home!". Being truly alone alone made me recognize the presence and peace of God like never before.

I embraced the overwhelming quiet instead of resisting or resenting it. This was a deep revelatory experience of talking to God and listening to His Spirit. I reminisced over the last ten years trying to comprehend the person I thought I was with the person I became. It was a time of forgiving myself and others--releasing the buried hurt and pain in my soul. And God healed me. I repented for my lost years to pick up my calling with renewed vigor and tenacity. Looking back, I'm grateful for the alone alone times that brought a closer walk with my Savior.